Tales from Canadia

Tweet

***This story is not exaggerated or falsified in any way. I promise. It depicts purely non-fictional events. Really.***
**Also, I usually discourage all types of fighting, but this had to be shared.**

The BF had a game in Calgary this weekend, and after the game the team headed out in their finery to a place creatively called Cowboys. After shots of Jameson, Jaeger, Jack, and lord knows what else, the BF was sitting at the bar (alone, I should note. Unbeknownst to him, his buddy had just gotten "asked to leave"), when some extremely inebriated dude (SEID) plops down next to him and spills approximately 42.86% of his beer on the BF's new suit (it was an x-mas present from his mom! GASP!). The BF exclaims "WTF, dude?!" to which SEID slowly responds "whaaaah?" while flailing his hands and hitting yet another beer and spilling another 32.97% of someones adult beverage on the BF's pant leg. The following exchange ensues...

The BF (half joking...but kinda not. It should be noted that the BF was definitely feeling it at this point): "Dude, you're paying my dry cleaning bill."
SEID: "Huuuuuuuh?"
The BF: "You have two options...either you give me your wallet or you give me your watch."
SEID (holding his arm three, hazy inches from the BF's face): "Jus tryyyy takin' thisssss wattth off myyy wrist."

Of course, the BF pushes SEID's beer-splattered arm out of his face, and SEID immediately lurches to his feet preparing for fisticuffs...eyes scrunched, fists almost touching both each other AND his nose, swaying slightly, mumbling "C'mon. Let's go." (See left for dramatization). The BF, disbelieving the cartoon character in front of him, slowly stands and starts laughing. SEID then (unprovoked) swings unsteadily yet aggressively at the BF's laughing face, which the BF easily dodges. In order to put the poor fool out of his misery, the BF responds with a quick left hook, connecting and sending Charlie Chaplin sliding backwards across the entire bar room floor...movie-style...collecting peanut shells and bottle caps in his back pockets as he went (reminder: this is ALL true). SEID finally comes to rest against the wall under a one-antlered moose, and is immediately pounced upon by the bouncers who quickly and efficiently "ask him to leave" the bar. Somehow the BF convinces the big guys that he isn't at fault, so they let him return to his bar stool and half-consumed adult soda.

Soon after the SEID incident is resolved, the BF realizes that his original buddy isn't coming back and decides to leave. He walks outside and successfully hails a cab in the -423 degree weather. As he is sliding into one side of the cab, another guy slides in the other side. The BF looks over and guess what?!?! It's SEID!!!

SEID: "Heeeey, I thhhink we jus got ina fiiight."
The BF: "Nah, dude. That was one of my buddies. What happened?"
SEID: "Oh, right...maaan, I shouldn'ta done that. I mean, I'm not bleedin' outta my mouth, but I went slidin' across the floor."
The BF: "Yeah, glad that wall was there to stop you."
SEID: "Yeeeah."

At this point the cab is pulling up in front of the BF's hotel, and as the BF gets out, he turns to SEID and says "Hey man, you got this cab, right?" To which SEID nods and responds, "Yeah, man." The BF shuts the door laughing to himself, "See, I TOLD you that you'd pay for my dry cleaning bill."

Aaaaaand scene.